The tree went up the weekend after Thanksgiving, the way it always did. The lights were strung, the cookies were baked, and the cards went out on time. From the outside, it looked like every other year.
But her daughter, home from college, noticed something. Her mom smiled for the photos and then disappeared into the laundry room. She stopped humming the carols she used to sing off key. On Christmas morning, she watched everyone open presents with a look that seemed far away.
The holidays are supposed to be a happy time, and for many families they are. But for a woman who is struggling with depression, the season can feel like a weight she has to carry with a smile. Because she is so busy making it special for everyone else, her own pain can go unseen.
Why the season can be so hard
Holidays bring a long list of expectations. Many women carry most of the planning, shopping, cooking, hosting and gift wrapping. When depression is already draining her energy, that list can feel impossible.
The season also stirs up memories. She may be missing a parent, a child, a marriage or a version of her life that did not turn out the way she hoped. Seeing other families looking happy can make her own sadness feel lonelier.
Money can add pressure too. Gifts, travel and holiday meals add up, and she may be quietly worrying about how to pay for it all.
What to notice during the holidays
It can be hard to tell normal holiday stress from something more serious. Look for changes that go beyond being busy or tired, especially ones that last.
- She seems to go through the motions without any joy in traditions she used to love.
- She pulls away from gatherings, or leaves early and goes to bed.
- She is tearful, irritable or numb more often than usual.
- She talks about being a failure, or says the holidays are ruined because of her.
- She is skipping meals, sleeping poorly or drinking more than usual.
- She says things like "Next year you will not have to worry about me" or "It would be easier if I were not here."
That last kind of comment should never be brushed off. It may be a sign she is thinking about suicide, and it deserves a direct, caring response.
How to ask in the middle of the bustle
Find a quiet moment away from the crowd. Ask her to help you run an errand, take a walk around the block to look at lights, or sit with her after everyone else has gone to bed.
You might say: "I know you work so hard to make the holidays special. I have noticed you seem really down this year, and I am worried. How are you really doing?"
Listen without trying to cheer her up right away. It can be tempting to remind her of everything she has to be thankful for, but that can make her feel guilty for struggling. Instead, let her know her feelings make sense.
If she says something that sounds hopeless, ask her directly: "Are you thinking about suicide?" It may feel out of place in the middle of the holidays. It is not. It may be the most caring question anyone asks her all season.
Lightening the load and getting help
Share the work. Offer to take over a dish, the shopping, or the wrapping. Give the whole family a role so she is not carrying everything. It is fine to scale back. A simpler holiday with her well is better than a perfect one with her hurting.
Protect a little rest. Build quiet time into the schedule, and let her skip an event without guilt.
Help her reach care. Doctors' offices and counselors are open during the holiday season, even if hours are shorter. Offer to call and set up an appointment, and go with her if she wants.
If she tells you she is thinking about suicide, do not leave her alone. Call or text 988 together. If she is in immediate danger, call 911.
The best gift you can give her this year may not come wrapped. It may be noticing, asking and staying close until she feels like herself again.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.